In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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