when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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