508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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