My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
