She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
