I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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