Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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