he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
