so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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