I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
