1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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