dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
