My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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