I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
