Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
