Swine flu. Run for my life!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
