My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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