How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
