your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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