pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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