i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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