god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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