There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
