Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
