theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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