im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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