Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
