Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
