My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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