Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
