i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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