Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
