i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
