Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
