my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
