grandma shit on top of the toilet
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
