I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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