Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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