the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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