The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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