im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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