i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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