so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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