I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
