Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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