I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
