if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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