Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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