We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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