I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
