apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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