I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
