i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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