First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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