when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
