while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
