My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
